Every day brings new challenges, and yesterday was no exception. For the first time ever I found myself running away from a place of tranquillity, peace and warmth. I couldn’t get away from that beautiful set out meditation room fast enough. I love meditating. I love floating out the door on what feels like the tips of my toes. I love freeing my mind from the build up of clutter and confusion. I love the quiet.
We have our mind and we have our body, we also have our soul. Unfortunately in times of required self-healing our mind and body can take over and what our soul requires can be easily pushed to the side.
I keep replaying the scene in my mind over and over again. It actually feels like some kind of strange dream, like a documentary movie. My skin was hot, it was hard to breathe and tears streaked down my cheeks as I ran down the street in the dark. I know why I ran away. It was because I was scared of what I might find if I cleared all the clutter away. If I swept out all my thoughts, anxiousness, anger and despair I might find my own self-truth looking at me straight in the eye. There would be nowhere else for me to look. Just me and my self-truth.
My self-truth wouldn’t be antagonising me, it wouldn’t be bearing me down and telling me to look at it. I imagine it would just be sitting there simple and plain. There would be no way to ignore it, and funnily enough I would make a connection of knowing the answer all along.
What I was scared of is what if I don’t want to follow my self-truth. What if my self-truth requires me to give up something that I love so dearly?
I got home and went to bed.
Today feels different, more visceral. My thoughts have slowed down, my head is clearing and the anxiousness, anger and despair is dying away. As I digest yesterday’s events I have begun to realise that if I truly love something I will never have to give it away. It is only those things that have no value to me that need to be discarded to the side.
Next week I will go back to the mediation class and I will walk through that door, as I know my self-truth is what I need.